I'm Voting Yes
Because the idea of Whiteness must die.
And I know that Stan Grant said it died with the Queen.
But he was wrong: it’s persisting and I find that disgusting.
So I need a Voice to Parliament.
Because then I’ll get Reparations, which I deserve.
Plus, you should be paying Rent because you got a whole country for free.
By my calculations you’re about 200 years overdue.
And the $30 billion you pay me each year is nowhere near enough.
We need to implement true EQUITY.
You know, where each race gets different treatment.
Where white people pay more tax, and aboriginals get more free stuff.
That is FAIR and JUST.
If it was any other way, then Australia would be EMBARRASSED on the world stage.
Because equal treatment under law is racism.
That’s why we need the Voice.
So I tell you it’s a modest proposal.
That it will only effect aboriginals.
That it’s about ‘recognition’.
And I know that these are all lies, but it doesn’t matter.
Because the ABC will call you a conspiracy theorist if you say the Voice is anything more than recognition.
And if you ask how it will work, you’ll get called a racist.
And you’ll lose your job if you say you’re going to vote No.
And don’t question why your bank, your supermarket, and your footy code are all telling you to vote Yes.
It’s nothing sinister, there’s nothing in it for them.
They just have a sense of morality, unlike you.
So I’ll get a Voice
And I’ll take all the land off you. The waterways, too.
Australia will become my very own serfdom.
You’ll pay rent to me, and tax to the WEF.
If you have anything left over you can give it to the government.
And Lidia Thorpe will still corner you outside the club.
But this time she won’t be calling you names.
No, she’ll be there with her bikie boyfriend, looking to be paid what she’s owed.
And the funny thing is that we’re not even going to put aboriginals in power.
Because now you’re conditioned not to question it when the news tells you that a person with blonde hair and blue eyes is aboriginal.
So I’m just going to get my friends involved.
And we’ll set up a committee and get paid consulting fees to do nothing.
If you want to develop your land you’ll need a permit from us.
If you want to go to the beach, you’ll have to pay us a fee.
You’ll be banned from all national parks, and you’ll pay me $7,000 a week to make sure you stay out of them.
So, Australia. I think we’re mature enough to make the right call, yeah?
Vote yes.
Or else.
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