I Joined A Cult

I joined a cult

And they told me there was an impending climate catastrophe.

The only way to fix it was to become a gay communist.

So I cut my dick off and voted for Albanese.

But then my power bill doubled.

And I started paying rent to two landlords – the person who owns my house and some indigenous tribe who say they’ve owned the land for 60,000 years.

I asked how they kept records for so long without written language, then got fined for hate speech.

Maybe if global warming comes a bit quicker this winter won’t be so unbearable.

And if sea levels are rising, why does Obama have a beach house?

I’m banned from flying, driving, and eating meat. I see pictures of Bill Gates doing all three.

The news says that my life is getting better.

My grocery store has the same political views as the government.

Time goes by and I wish I had some kids.

My universal basic income won’t cover the cost of living.

The government gives me three free swimming lessons and I’m told to be grateful.

My tax rate is 102%.

I get told I’m living a privileged life.

I get told I’m taking up too much space.

I get told not to go outside because the pollution is too high.

Then I get banned from exercising because it increases my carbon footprint.

Every TV show is the same.

Every song sounds the same.

And they took away all my books.

I sit still and I try not to breathe too deeply.

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