Genocide Is The Cure

I’m looking out the tinted window of my limousine and I feel sickened.

The issue is that I’m surrounded by peasants driving their carbon dioxide-emitting personal vehicles. They are ruining the pristine planet for perfect people like me.

I decide that this is a problem which needs urgent resolution.

Lying on the deck of my super yacht, I cogitate on different ideas to fix this crisis.

Should I make them freeze to death during the winter?

Should I starve them?

Should I make them homeless?

Or do I simply imprison them within 15 minutes of their homes?

As I ascend the stairs of my private jet, I decide that I should do all these things at once.

So, I start by decommissioning power plants to increase energy prices.

I also pump money into the economy through quantitative easing to cause inflation. This makes basic groceries unaffordable for most families which I find funny.

Then I use the inflation as an excuse to increase interest rates. This way I can make housing more expensive for the peasants, who are reliant on (shudder) mortgages.

For a moment I wonder what it would be like having to decide between keeping my house or buying food for the week.

But then I decide it’s better to block these thoughts out with more wine and cocaine, so I do that and then wonder what I should order for dinner.

Somehow the peasants believe me when I tell them that increasing interest rates is the only option. I even see some of them proudly say they’re ‘doing their bit’ by spending a measly $100 less each week.

After some thought I decide to order wine and steak for dinner. The bottle of wine costs $2,600 and I only drink half.

And the cocaine ruined my appetite so I feed the steak to my dog.

I tell the peasants that there’s a climate crisis and the only solution is to ban them from travelling more than 15 minutes from their homes. I also ban their cars for good measure.

In the winter I watch them ride around on bicycles in these 15-minute paddocks that I’ve trapped them in. For a moment I wonder if they’ll ever question these things I make them do, but then decide that they probably won’t.

I look at the global population statistics and see that I am making some progress, but not enough. The peasants are still multiplying!

I go into overdrive.

I turn men and women against each other and tell them that their babies are killing the planet.

I make them care more about making money than starting a family.

I tell them they should change their gender and sterilize their kids.

I increase income taxes and invent some new ones.

I re-check the data.

Now it says that we are heading towards a population collapse.

I feel a sense of satisfaction knowing that I have cured the disease.

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